


The Courtship of Klaine

by jakia



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-02
Updated: 2012-11-02
Packaged: 2017-11-17 14:42:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/552691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jakia/pseuds/jakia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The courtship of Kurt and Blaine, from inside their heads.  </p>
<p>(a parody)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Courtship of Klaine

(Never Been Kissed)

**Blaine** : Wow, you are pretty.

**Kurt** :  _Please be gay. Please be gay._

**Blaine** : I’m going to flirt with you via song, if that’s okay?

**Kurt** : Take me, I’m yours.

 

**Kurt** : Please tell me you are gay.

**Blaine** : Super gay.

**Kurt** : Oh thank God.  Sorry, I’m going to have a minor breakdown in front of you—it’s nothing personal.  It’s just that no one else in my life gives a shit and it’s sort of killing me.

**Blaine** : God, you sound just like me, a year ago.  Let me tell you what I wish I had done.

**Kurt** : Confront them? That sounds like terrible advice, but you’re cute so I’ll take it.

**Blaine** : I mostly meant punch them in the face, but confrontation works too.  Here, have my number in case you ever need someone to talk to and/or sext.

 

**Kurt** : Confession: confronting people only leads to sexual assault

**Blaine** : Oh my  _God_.

**Kurt** : And as you are the only other gay person I know who doesn’t absolutely terrify me, I’m going to ask for your help.

**Blaine** : I AM NOT QUALIFIED TO DO THIS HELP.

**Kurt** : Also? Never been kissed.  These lips were virgins yesterday.

**Blaine** :  _/wibbles_

**Blaine** : Here, let me buy you lunch so I can hide my boner.

 

**Blaine** : On second thought, I better  _not_ tap that.  He just seems really emotional vulnerable right now, and believe it or not I am not that much of a emotionally manipulative jackass.

**Kurt** : /did not get the memo above.

**Kurt** : Take me, sir.  Take me hard.

 

(the Substitute) 

**Blaine** : Please don’t kill yourself.

**Blaine** : I mean it.

**Blaine** : I will spend every moment of every day doing all the things you like if it means you won’t kill yourself.

**Blaine** : You want to see Rent? I’ll buy you tickets.  Want me to have dinner with you? Done.

**Blaine** : Just don’t off yourself.

**Kurt** : OMG, I think he likes me. <3 <3 <3

**Blaine** : Have I read Patti Lupone’s newest book? Of course I have.   _Please don’t kill yourself._

 

(A Very Glee Christmas)

**Blaine** : Want a boy to sing flirty duets with you? Fine.  Let us sing  _Baby It’s Cold Outside._   Just think, if you killed yourself, we could have never done this.  And if you kill yourself? You will never get to sing a song with a boy you like ever again.  (Seriously, suicide is bad.)

**Kurt** : I am mistaking your concern and general flirtatious attitude as genuine affection and falling hard, sir.  

**Kurt** : The offer to ravish me against the door still stands.

**Kurt** : Also? I am not nearly as broken as you think I am.  I think.

 

(Silly Love Songs)

**Blaine** : Now that I don’t think you are going to kill yourself, let’s be friends!  Genuine friends!  Let me tell you about this boy I like.

**Kurt** : Ow, that was my  _heart_ , you jackass.

**Blaine** : Do you think I should humiliate myself in public for a boy?

**Kurt** : For me, yes.  For someone else,  _no_.

**Blaine** : Too late.

 

**Blaine** : The humiliation.  It stings.

**Kurt** : You are an idiot, but it’s kind of nice knowing you have flaws and stuff like the rest of us mere mortals.

**Kurt** : Also, I thought the boy you wanted to ask out was me.

**Blaine** : bweh— _what_?

**Kurt** : Okay, are you serious? Because I’ve basically been throwing myself at you since November.  How have you missed that?

**Blaine** : I thought you wanted to be friends! I wanted you to not die! 

**Blaine** : I mean, on one hand, you are hot as hell and I’d tap that.

**Blaine** : On the other, I’m still not sure how well I know you beyond me not wanting you to kill yourself and our mutual shallow love of fashion and musicals.  On the other hand, you were the only one of my friends who stayed by my side after the Gap Attack, and I’m not actually used to people caring about me and meaning it.

**Blaine** : So, friend-zone? At least until I figure out who you are when I’m not worried you are going to kill yourself.

**Kurt** : That seems fair.  After all, I should probably figure out who you are now that I know you aren’t actually a Disney prince in disguise.  This is probably both good for us and healthier in the long run.

**Blaine** : I agree.  We should form a relationship based on mutual friendship and adoration.

 

(Blame it on the Alcohol)

**Blaine** : Lol jk I’m going to make out with your best friend while drunk.

**Kurt** : GODDAMNIT BLAINE.

 

**Blaine** : Wow.  So it turns out the person you really are is actually sort of a bitch.  brb going to go cry now.

**Kurt** : GODDAMNIT BLAINE.

 

**Blaine** : Oh wow, it turns out I actually  _am_ gay! Thank God!

**Fandom:**  /rejoices

**Kurt** : GODDAMNIT BLA— wait that’s a good thing.

**Kurt** : Wait shit are we still friends?

**Blaine** : lol we are totally still besties, no worries!  

**Kurt** : Thank God.

 

(Sexy)

**Blaine** : ND is doing something sexy for Regionals? Holy shit.  We need to do something sexy as well.

**Blaine** : Luckily, the sexiest person I know is totes willing to do a duet with me.  Isn’t that right Kurt?

 

**Kurt** : /gas pains face

**Blaine** : Jesus Christ on a cracker, are you okay?

**Blaine** : Notice how I only noticed your silly faces was because you were the only thing I looked at during the entire performance.

**Kurt** : I have the sex appeal of a baby penguin.

**Blaine** : That is a goddamn lie.  Here, let me give you sexy lessons.

 

**Blaine** : /smolders in front of a mirror

**Kurt** : /gas pains face

**Blaine** : /laughs

**Blaine** : Oh my God, you are adorable.  Like, seriously the cutest thing in the world.

**Kurt** : I will never have a boyfriend.

**Kurt** : Also? I don’t know anything about sex.  I tried watching porn and it failed.

**Blaine** : Oh, hello there boner, didn’t see you there.  Long time no see.  Strange how you always show up when I spend time with my buddy, Kurt.

**Kurt** : Please leave now before I embarrass myself further and then you really never will want to have sex with me.

**Blaine** : Probably a good idea.  My boner was getting a little too uncomfortable there.

 

**Blaine** : /hints at a backstory involving daddy angst

**Fandom** : Gimme! /makes grabby hands

 

(Original Songs)

**Blaine** : Sing with me Kurt! Dance with me! Make silly faces with me!

**Kurt** : I am going to throw you on the floor and ravish you right here in the hallway.

**Kurt** : I mean.

**Kurt** : You sing too much!

**Kurt** : That is a problem.

**Kurt** : You should let me sing sometime.

**Kurt** : (Also maybe let me ravish you against the door y/y/y?)

**Kurt** : But I’d be alright with just the singing.  If I have to.

**Blaine** : Criticism? What’s that? I’ve never had anyone call me out of my flaws before.  Kurt, are you a magician?

**Kurt** : No, just hopeless.

 

**Blaine** : I need change in my life.  I suggest we change the stripes on our ties.

**Warblers** : REVOLT.

(KURT appears.  He is a fierce, fabulously dressed HBIC.  Also, he is crying.

Unsurprisingly, this is the moment Blaine falls in love.)

**Kurt** : WARBLERS, PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

**Warblers** :  _Gasp!_

**Kurt** : MY BIRD JUST DIED AND I WANT TO SING ABOUT IT.

**Blaine** : ALL MY FEELS.

**Blaine** : I CANNOT CONTAIN THEM.

**Blaine** : THEY ARE GOING TO BE LEAKING OUT INTO HEARTEYES SOON.

**Blaine** : *heart eyes*

 

**Blaine** : I want to sing with Kurt!

**Kurt** : Bwah—what?

**Warblers** : Didn’t you just sing with Kurt like, last episode?

**Blaine** : Let me rephrase that: I want to  _duet_  with Kurt.

**Warblers** :  _Ohhh._

**Warblers** : Yeah, we’re totally for that.

**Kurt** : What the hell just happened?

 

**Kurt** : No, seriously,  _what the hell just happened?_

**Blaine** : I decided the friendzone is for squares and that we should make out.

(they make out)

**The Entire World:**  /celebrates

**Kurt** : I would like to thank not only God but also Jesus.

 

**Kurt** : So, boyfriends?

**Blaine** : SOULMATES.

**Blaine** : In case you haven’t noticed, I never do anything by halves.

**Kurt** : I’ll take it.

 

The rest of the seasons involve them having a lot of tender, sensual hand holding, deep and meaningful conversations, and a hug.  But don’t worry, folks! That’s more interaction than we’ll get in most of season three!

**Author's Note:**

> (a/n: to be fair, I am less butthurt over the lack of Klaine than I am butthurt over the lack of character development for Blaine. If this makes me a bad fan then so be it. I just like bandwagons and jumping on them and also writing parody dialogue.)


End file.
